I thought taking a “break” would help…

Sorry its been so long! I took a little break from blogging and social media. I felt slightly overwhelmed and had a hard time scrolling through “breast cancer stuff”. I just felt like it was a constant reminder of what I went through. I wanted to put it in my past and not think about it anymore! So I took a little break in hopes I would feel better… and … it didn’t work haha. It totally made things worse and if anything I got a little sadder!! They say “don’t run away from your problems”…. well its true…. it doesn’t work! I didn’t realize how much love and support I was receiving on social media until it was gone. Especially from survivors who understand what I went through. They GET IT. I also didn’t realize how many friends and family I stay connected with! Seeing pictures of everyone and getting little updates here and there make me so happy. In a world full of distancing its nice to stay connected in some way. So once I disconnected I felt even more blah. Winter… covid… distancing… can you say yuck??? On top of that we lost my husbands Grandpa and one of our family members got in a really bad car accident 😦 It was rough…

I was on the phone with my best friend expressing how I’ve been feeling. She asked if I went through anything in the past around this time of year because our bodies remember it! I thought about it and I was like YES… November 26th 2018 I had my double mastectomy and they handed me my biopsy report. My team was torn whether to do radiation or not and no one was on the same page. I was beyond frustrated and feeling SO overwhelmed. I remember blogging that I needed a “break”. Weird right?? Maybe my body was remembering this stressful time…?

So I am back… I still feel a little blah but I am working on it and just trying to push through each day with a positive attitude. I remind myself often… you are here, you are cancer free, you have a loving husband and two amazing children, family and friends who love you, YOU ARE HERE. Enjoy it damnit hahah!!

Happy world cancer day!! Lets come together and inspire, support and motivate one another!

Update! ..The past few months have actually been pretty busy! We moved!! And super far away…. like ….to the next house over hahahah! Literally we moved to our neighbors house. Who does that LOL.. so crazy but it totally made sense for us! We LOVE our neighborhood (only one street away from my sister) and I was dreading the day we would need to move. When we found out our neighbors were moving we decided (within minutes) to go for it! We lived with my parents for 4 weeks while we painted and fixed it up which was so much fun!! We are officially in our new home and loving it!!

Due to being “high risk” I am still not working as a nurse. I miss it a LOT. Taking care of people is something I truly love. Especially at a time like this… I wish I could be out there helping! Instead I am a remote kindergarten teacher… LOL! Surprisingly its going really well though! Its an opportunity I know won’t last forever so I am trying to make the best of it and enjoy being home with my kids 🙂 I will also be receiving my 1st Covid-19 vaccine on Saturday!! I am extremely grateful to be able to get it early!!

♥ RIP Grandpa, I will think of you on every mountain top and every time I sip a good wine. You were an amazing Grandpa and a special friend that I will miss dearly. ♥ Emily and Steve, thinking of you often and love you so much!

Mole Biopsy results

I am not going to lie… the biopsy was on my mind. I have a pretty good gut and my gut was saying it was nothing… but I think I will forever be scarred by the phone call I received a few years ago….

The medical assistant called me yesterday and my immediate thought was…. its only been 4 days and they said I would get results in a week. Does this mean they found something and they are calling me early? Her voice seemed…. I don’t know… dullish haha. I couldn’t get a vibe from her which started making me even more nervous. She said, “I have biopsy results for you”. I responded quickly “ok”. She said, “I need to get your date of birth first”. OH FOR CRYING OUT LOUD LADY! I am having a panic attack over here! I quickly stated my date of birth and literally felt winded and light headed…. my heart was POUNDING. She said calmly, “you have a benign mole that needs no further testing”. OH THANK GOD!!!!! Wow…. pretty crazy how quickly PTSD can kick into high gear and throw you for a loop. Grateful I have no concerning areas of skin cancer and my biopsy came back negative though. YAY!

I had a follow up appointment with my radiologist Dr. Brower yesterday. I think it was the first time I didn’t cry which made me think afterwards…. Wow Kel… you have come a long way! Typically all he would have to ask is… how are you doing…. and I would be like WAAAAAAA followed by tears, fear, confusion and feeling absolutely lost. This time was different. I was confident with my answers in regards to how I felt, I had a plan to things I felt like I could work on, and there were NO TEARS!

I hope this gives a little hope to people who are struggling. Just hang in there. Healing takes time… which I know can be super frustrating as no one wants to wait to feel normal again. But once you reach the light at what might feel like the longest tunnel…. it can truly be beautiful.

Be safe, be kind

KPOW

What the heck is a CA125?

I feel like an IDIOT!! The CA125 test that I elected to have drawn at my last appointment was …wait for it ….the WRONG test! OMG… like really Kel!?? I am not sure why but I was almost certain that this was the lab test for breast cancer reoccurrence. Apparently not…. lol when my oncologist called with results and told me it was negative I was like.. “YAY!! What a relief.. and just to confirm this means no sign of breast cancer right?” And she responded, “Well no… this test is for ovarian cancer”. You have got to be kidding me!!!! I REMOVED MY F’N OVARIES last year… why would I want this test!! She was like…. “I was wondering the same thing” bahahhaha! I started laughing so hard! She said it wasn’t a waste though.. you could have ovarian remnants and the fact it was negative is a good sign! She also said she would be willing to order the CORRECT breast cancer lab work if I really wanted to but wouldn’t recommend it. She said she would rather do an ultrasound, MRI, or bone scan because lab work is rarely accurate. There are many false positive/negative results. She reminded me that I dont have symptoms right now or ANY sign of reoccurrence and doing lab work might just cause more anxiety for no reason. I agreed with her…. and will continue to have faith that Fred is gone and won’t ever come back! POW POW baby!

I have a lot of sun spots on my body due to sun exposure (I guess lake life every weekend during the summer will cause that) and my Mom noticed a really dark spot by my knee. I was a little concerned about how it looked and my Dad was diagnosed with melanoma years ago! So with his history and my own history it was definitely something I didn’t want to ignore. My oncologist took a look at it and definitely suggested seeing someone. I saw him today and he was great! Super thorough! He wasn’t too concerned about the spot by my knee but did a biopsy for peace of mind! I receive results in 1 week!

Be safe, be kind

KPOW

Bone density, oncologist & Zometa infusion #2

Hiiiiii!!! This is officially my first entry on my new site and I couldn’t be more excited! Yay!! 🙂

So I thought it was a good idea to cram a bone density, lab work, oncology appointment and infusion all in one day! Lets just say Tuesday was A DAY… but I was super grateful to have my Mom by my side to keep me company! The morning started out by snoozing my alarm clock at least 3 times! As I was about to snooze my alarm for the 4th time I was like CRAP.. you’re so late Kelly… get your butt out of bed now and you MIGHT have time for a quick shower and blow dry…. makeup will need to be done in the car lol! I am SO not a morning person. My mom picked me up and first things first… DUNKS! We got our coffees and off we went to Portsmouth for my bone density! Unfortunately, Mom couldn’t come in and waited for me in the car. The tech called my name and brought me into an exam room. She seemed confused and said, “you are so young… what brings you here?” I responded …as if I have said this a million times in my sleep… “I was diagnosed with breast cancer 2 1/2 years ago, 5 months of chemo, a double mastectomy, 5 weeks of radiation, had my ovaries and Fallopian tubes removed which forced my body into menopause and now I am at risk for osteoporosis”. The tech was a little taken back and was like “Oh… wow…. OK then…. I don’t think I have any further questions.” LOL!! She then told me to lay down on the table. I was like uhhh…. don’t you need me to get into a Johnny first? Maybe take off my shoes? Jewelry? Do anything? …and she was like nope this will be the easiest exam you’ve ever done! I was like SWEET! SO I laid down on the table and the machine passed over my body a few times…. and that was it! Literally took 2 minutes! WOOHOO!

Once the bone density was complete my Mom and I looked at the time and it was only 8:15am… my next appointment wasn’t till 1:30pm in Dover which was only 10 minutes away!!! Ahhhh I clearly didn’t space my appointments out that well LOL!!! It was nice to catch up with my Mom though… we did a lot of chatting in the car and then decided to try and find something to do. We found an ocean state job lots nearby and was like YES lets do it! I am not sure if it was because of covid or the rainy day but we were the only ones in there!! We spent 2 HOURS looking around!! We don’t go shopping anymore so this was a TON of fun! Of course we were safe and Mom had me purell my hands like 50 times haha! We then headed to Dover and ordered 5 GUYS CURB SIDE….. omg YUMMMM!! I haven’t had 5 guys in forever! My favorite part is they literally give you a grocery bag full of French fries!! Ahhhhmazing!

After trying to kill time we were still an hour early for my next appointment. Thankfully they took me early for my lab draw! …I was contemplating on asking for a CA125. This is a blood marker test that may signal breast cancer reoccurrence. I have been wanting to get this done for a LONG time. Mainly because I had a double mastectomy so my team doesn’t recommend ANY imaging going forward and therefore I have nothing to reassure me my cancer hasn’t returned. This eats me ALIVE! Not as much as it use to but it’s still something that I think and worry about. It was time… it was time to be brave and DO IT. So I asked the tech to add the blood marker test and she said, “no problem, ill just call the nurse and have her add it on”. My heart started racing…. ahhhh OK… this is happening. (Still haven’t received results but my oncologist said she should receive them tomorrow….. SO NERVOUS).

My appointment with my oncologist Dr. Civiello was therapeutic per usual. I am SO blessed to have her on my team. She takes the time to answer all my questions thoroughly and always does a thorough exam including a breast exam which she said felt normal! PHEW!

From there the nurse brought me to the infusion center to have my second Zometa infusion! Unfortunately, Mom couldn’t come with me and I was on my own. I was sick to my stomach… ugh I don’t like infusion chairs…at all. I checked in and sat down in the waiting room. Nervous, nervous, nervous! A staff member called my name and brought me to my infusion room…. as we were passing the nurses station I heard a girl say “HIIII KELLY!!! HOW ARE YOU!!??” As if we’ve been best friends since 2nd grade. I was like oh man… she doesn’t look familiar… do I know this chick?! And so I did the only reasonable thing and sounded just as excited to see her and was like “OMG HEY GIRL!!” LOL! I sit down in my infusion chair and the same energetic nurse we walked by walks in! She was literally the nicest, most personable human I have ever met in my LIFE!!! She was in high spirits, high energy, high on life, high in every way possible hahah and honestly it was JUST what I needed. I forgot about the nerves, the worry, the horrifying chair I was sitting in and ughhhh… you were just what I needed Lauren to get through this infusion. And WOW… I almost forgot how spoiled you are during infusions. “are you hungry, do you need something to drink, would you like to watch TV, can I get you a warmed blanket, would you like to recline in your chair, etc etc etc”. OK…. this infusion chair thing isn’t THAT bad lol! Prior to my infusion my nurse was joking around asking if I wanted fluids because she had an extra bag…. I was like uhhh yes ill totally take it! She also infused the med over an hour instead of 30 minutes. These 2 factors made a HUGE difference in regards to side effects. I was WICKED sick the last time with a 102 fever and flu-like symptoms for 24hrs. This time I had a headache, fatigue, slight chills and achyness that lasted 24hours but it was tolerable!!!

Thank you to the best in-laws in the world for watching the kids the past few days! I appreciate your support so much! Thank you Mom for hanging out with me ALL day! And thank you to all my family and friends for checking in and your ENDLESS support! I feel so blessed….always!

And don’t forget… I want to hear from you!!!!! Don’t hesitate to contact me or leave a message below 🙂

My next blog will be my CA125 results….. EEEEEEK!!

❁ KPOW

We can do hard things

September 14, 2020

This past weekend I was laying on my hammock with my husband “trying” to read my book. Its called “Untamed” by Glennon Doyle. I have always had a hard time with reading. When I was in 5th grade I remember meeting with the reading specialist throughout the week. I just couldn’t seem to remember anything! Its something I have struggled with my entire life. I haven’t told anyone this… and here I am about to share a story with whoever wants to click on my blog… how terrifying haha! Here it goes… It was one of my first REAL job interviews. I was a substitute teacher at the time and my Mom had asked if I was interested in a  paraprofessional position. I was like sure, that sounds great! So here I am… definitely nervous but I knew the women interviewing me and I thought… whats the worst that could happen. Well the worst happened… I was absolutely humiliated. She asked me what kind of books I liked to read and I froze…. the truth was…. I hadn’t read ONE book in my entire life. I didn’t listen to any books that were read to me as a child…. and in high school I used CliffNotes (basically an online source that gives you a description of each chapter and therefor I didn’t have to read the book lol).  I was SO ashamed and felt incredibly stupid. The little self-esteem I had built came crashing down on me that day. Lets just say…. I didn’t get the Job. Her response made me feel like I was unprepared and not ready for a “big girl” interview. Ugh…. this stuck with me. Even till this day I cringe of the embarrassment. Every once in a while though…. I push through a book. Whether it takes me a month or a year to get through it. I tell myself… you can do this… one page at a time. So to get back to my story… I was laying on my hammock “trying” to read my book…I found myself staring at the sky a few times and my mind wondering here and there…. and while I was thinking (not reading) I decided to share what was one of the most humiliating days of my life. To remind people “WE CAN DO HARD THINGS”. Whether its fighting cancer, pushing through a learning disability, living with a mental illness, battling covid19, losing a loved one, raising children, the stressors of work, divorce, moving away, alcohol & drug addiction, goodbyes, speaking up about equality and human rights, accepting criticism, running a marathon, changing careers, etc etc etc. WE CAN DO HARD THINGS. 

Thats it 🙂 

Hope everyone has a wonderful week! 

KPOWPOW

Covid scare

September 6, 2020

This is NOT a good time to get sick….

Jamie was coughing quite a bit last week and by the end of week was starting to feel pretty lousy. On Friday night I woke up at 2am and he wasn’t in bed…. I assumed he went to the bathroom but 5 minutes later he still hadn’t come back!!! So the blind bat I am is trying to find my spectacles… ugh why is it SO hard to find my glasses when I need them…. most people put them on their bedside table right? Yes Kelly… thats what normal people do… Anyways I finally find them (on the floor next to my bedside table lol) and head to the bathroom. Lights not on and he’s not in there….. a normal person wouldn’t freak out and would continue to look in the living room right? Well…. I start freaking out…. I bolt to the living room.. like full ass sprint to find him laying on the couch…. PHEW!! …Apparently he couldn’t sleep in bed because he was coughing so much. Come Saturday I was like thats it… you need to be tested for Covid. I was pleasantly impressed with Convenient MD. It was so simple…. register online for a covid test and within an hour someone had called to schedule a Telehealth appt. Not too much longer he facetimed with a doctor who I really liked (Yes…. I was totally standing at the top of the stairs spying on their conversation and listening to what he had to say) …basically he was given 2 cough meds and an inhaler. The doctor then scheduled a covid19 test for him at the Bedford location. Jamie came home and was like OMG Kel…. it was horrible… they stuck 3 swabs up my nose and twisted for 30 seconds. I was like HOLY SHIT… are you serious?!?!? And he was like…. no. Bahahahha he totally got me!!!! He said it was SO easy though and not painful at all. It wasn’t like the flu swab where they go up the nostril…. it was just a throat swab!!! Sweet! SO….. Saturday night comes and hes doing OKAY….. I woke up at 12pm not being able to sleep for crap and noticed he was a little warm. I made him take his temp and it was 101….. UGH. He’s dying…. he’s fricken dying. And I am going to be a widow LOL….. legit thoughts that were going through my mind at 1am…. followed by intense Covid19 research on google. hahahaha! I was a wreck! ….the weekend went by and he was definitely sick… but the meds seem to help. Come Monday he had to go to work (The one bad thing about owning your own company ….and luckily he works alone). We also quarantined from friends and family for several days! All day I was SO anxious to get results even though I knew it might take a few days. Mid-afternoon Jamie sends me a picture with his results….. my heart starts RACING and then I see “not detected” in capital letters. THANK THE LORD  AND BABY JESUS I am not going to be a widow!!!!! hahahah!! But seriously…. I was so relieved… he hasn’t been this sick in a long time. And just an update… he is STILL hacking up a lung… but doing better! Nurse Kelly is on him about taking his meds (which he loves)!! 😬😬 

REAL QUICK….. my last youtube video was over a year ago. I stopped because…. well I stopped treatment and I figured there really wasn’t much to say or help others at that point. Well my hair is getting longer and I am having a lot of fun styling it (super quick—less than 5 minute kind of styles). Because you know… I have a 3 and 5 year old… enough said lol. SO I thought it would be fun to do some videos and continue my youtube! Maybe some hair stuff…. and then possibly share some “life after cancer” kind of stuff! 

Youtube: https://youtu.be/pV50TxgMWCk

Check it out if you want 🙂

Hope everyone has an awesome Labor Day weekend!! ❤️❤️

Be kind, be kind, be kind and be kind 

All my LOVE!

KPOWPOW

I cried today

August 20, 2020

Hiiiii! 

So of course its been a month… because you know… I am really great about taking the time to write lol! I had a moment yesterday though and its something I wanted to share with everyone….

So one of my amazing/sweetest friends told me about her close friend who was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. She thought it might be helpful if I reached out. I immediately was like YES… I want to help! But there was a little part of me that also didn’t want to be pushy… say the wrong things… or just be annoying haha! You think going through it would make it easier… I would have all the answers and know exactly what to say…. but not at all! Totally nerve racking!!! Especially because there were things that were said to me that totally made me feel worse….I would HATE to do that to someone else! Despite being a little nervous I messaged her through instagram and we have been chatting ever since! I have connected with a bunch of women on social media and through the community but there is something different about her…… she reminds me of ME so much. We have the same type of cancer… she elected to have a double mastectomy like I did… she is currently getting chemo and the SAME meds…. she is positive and hopeful with a huge smile on her face which is how most people viewed me (I think) AND she was born and raised in Goffstown and a Mom…. like REALLY!?!? I think you get the gist. We are twins LOL. So talking with her literally brings me back 2 years ago and comes with SO many emotions. And not in a bad way at ALL.. but its like WOAH. 

She posted a quote on instagram yesterday…. “One day you will tell your story of how you overcame what you went through and it will be someone else’s survival guide” and then at the bottom she wrote thank you with my instagram account name and a butterfly next to it. Oh my gahhhh….😭😭😭😭  I seriously haven’t cried about cancer stuff in SO long. Like I seriously can’t even remember…. and I started crying so hard… not just a little sniffle with tears like a “WAAAAAAAAHH” kind of cry hahah!! It just meant so much to me. And to think I was nervous about being there for her… ya know?  I think the moral of this story is…. don’t be afraid to reach out… tell your story… support someone. If you don’t… you’ll never know how much they actually needed you 

Oh and while you are reading this please say a quick prayer for her! 🙏 

OK guys… thats it for today.

My goal is to write more often… hahah I am literally laughing out loud … is it because I know it won’t happen? Probably… BUT my hope is to write more often and shorter blogs. Like who wants to read a 9 page essay? I wouldn’t…. So short and sweet and more often 🤞

And lastly, I just want to say thank you SO much for taking the time to read my entries!!!! It means the WORLD. 

Stay safe and sane in this crazy world we live in 

KPOW BABY 👊

My daughter peed behind a bush

July 14, 2020

Quick story… Andi had her physical today (yes I have a 5 year old now) 😩 and you now have to wait in your car for a medical assistant to come get you. Well I called to check-in and told the secretary Andi had to pee and we needed to get in soon. 20 minutes later she is squirming in her seat and said “Mom I’m dripping”. Ahhhh OK let me call again… secretary says “oh no! I’ll tell the medical assistant”. So I get Andi out of the car and start walking to the door… 10 mins later nothing… “ARE YOU KIDDING ME… LETS GO… WE ARE FINDING A BUSH”!!!! Bahahaha I legit found a F’N bush in the parking lot for her to pop a squat behind. I was soooooooo mad! We then went to the car and they finally called… in the rudest voice possible I said (you’re too late)!! I yi yi!! (This is the world we live in now.. awesomeness) 🙃

LOVE YOU ALL!!

KPOWPOW😘

Hormone therapy/Arimidex & Letrazole

July 14, 2020

Its totally 1:00 in the morning but I have been wanting to write a journal entry for a LONG time now and keep putting it off. I just want to do a quick med update!

So after taking a 3 month break from hormone therapy (because Arimidex was causing daily migraines) I spoke with Dr. Civiello and she felt it was time to get back on therapy. We decided to try another aromatase inhibitor called Letrazole. I started 6 weeks ago and only lasted a month… lol it sucked! I was a fricken wet seal again because of the hot flashes and started getting foggy.. as if I were on chemo again!!! EXTREME fatigue, nauseas and had GI issues (use your imagination on that last category LOL). I yi yi, after a month of being miserable I called Dr. Civiello and told her about my symptoms and she told me to stop the med immediately. She also felt like it wasn’t worth trying any more aromatase inhibitors. Clearly my body wasn’t tolerating them well which I am SO bummed about. This type of med would’ve given me the best prognosis for the future and I was really hoping it would work out. Also, I saw my breast surgeon  last week and she voiced her concern about taking a 3 month break from therapy. She said one of her patients had done this in the past and her cancer came back and went to her brain. Good lord… I started questioning everything. Should I have not taken that long of a break? Did I just increase my chances of it coming back? But Dr. Civiello seemed so confident…??? hfdsahfdsajfd!!!! WTF! Lol I was so in my head for a solid week. I ended up calling Dr. Civiello and she made me feel SO much better. She’s like half oncologist/half therapist lol!! And long story short we decided to take a SHORT 2 week break to get that devil med out of my system and then try Tamoxifen (which I’ve taken in the past)! Very well known and still super effective. Trying to stay positive and hope that I tolerate it well 🙏 Wish me luck!!!! 

I hope everyone is staying healthy and safe!!! It is a crazy world we live in right now. I seriously can’t comprehend it at times…. like whhhhat?!

KPOW

Coronavirus thoughts

Don’t worry don’t worry. I am not going to yell at you guys this time or call you covidiots hahah!! Strictly the facts (and maybe my opinion a little bit.. just a little bit) 😏 

Global: 4,239,167 cases / 286,267 deaths
United States: 1,380,443 cases / 81,455 deaths

When will this end?!?! I think everyone is asking this question right? I found an article in the New York Times titled “How pandemics end”. According to historians there are two types of endings… medical and social. The medical, which occurs when the incidence and death rates plummet, and the social, when the epidemic of fear about the disease wanes. In other words, an end can occur not because a disease has been eradicated, but because people grow tired of panic mode and learn to live with the disease. Some think it will end socially before medically because people will grow tired of the restrictions and want their lives back. A Yale historian Naomi Rogers says “I think there is this sort of social psychological issue of exhaustion and frustration”. You think Naomi?? Lol I would say you are pretty spot on. It is happening already… in some states governors have lifted restrictions including hair salons, nail salons, gyms, etc. in defiance of warnings by public health officials that its premature. Our economy is completely wrecked by the lockdown and this is another reason why people are saying enough is enough. 

Herd immunity… we could accomplish this if 70-80% of our population becomes immune to the virus. Two ways… through development and mass distribution of a vaccine OR natural immunity. Natural immunity makes me cringe a bit… roughly 200 million Americans would have to get infected before reaching this threshold and god knows how many lives would be taken. Eeeeek! Also, infectious disease experts aren’t even sure how long you would be protected for after recovering from the disease. And now hearing about the Kawasaki-like disease associated with covid19 in children…. yeah I am all set with natural herd immunity. I like my family…. a lot 💗

I think when it comes to re-opening our country it is important to understand how vulnerable we remain. It is clear this pandemic is still only beginning to unfold. And the fact this virus is thriving in a lockdown country is just wild…

Most people after reading my posts are probably like.. poor girl… she’s probably locked in the basement with her children scared to leave her house LOL!!! I think like many people we are trying to figure out a new normal that includes our family and friends! Practicing social distancing, 6 feet apart, wearing masks when needed, washa washa washing those hands lol and just doing what we think is best to stay safe ❤️

A huge thank you to all the essential workers out there right now! 

I love you all! Stay safe 🙏 

KPOWPOW