My Breast Cancer has returned…

Here I am… blogging about f*cking Fred AGAIN. I honestly can’t believe it. Before I dive deep into ALL the feels I want to take you back to when I found the lump and leading up to this news. I started writing a few weeks ago prior to finding out about the recurrence but never posted anything. Maybe it was just a coincidence, or maybe I knew deep down I would need this space again.

2 Weeks ago

Toward the end of January I noticed a new lump. Of course, it’s on the right side where Fred was… those of you who don’t know (I named my breast cancer Fred back in 2018 when I was first diagnosed)! The lump is underneath my breast located at 5:00 sharp lol. This lump feels VERY different from my last scare I had back in 2023 (which ended up being scar tissue). That felt hard and globular and this one feels smooth/oval shaped. My initial thought is it must be a cyst or a seroma. Not too concerned I scheduled a follow-up with my breast surgeon.

Appt with Stacy on 2/13: Due to my Breast Surgeon moving down South years ago, I was referred to Kari Rosenkranz, a Breast Surgeon at Dartmouth Hitchcock in Lebanon. I have yet to meet her which I think is SO bazaar! But I guess I don’t need to meet her until something needs to be removed from my body lol. In the meantime, I have been seeing her PA, Stacy yearly for check-ups who is wonderful! She did a breast exam today and was unfortunately super wishy-washy. She wasn’t sure what the lump could be. I finally blurted out “do you think its cancer”!!!?? She said well based on your original pathology and treatment plan I never thought it would come back… BUT you just never know. WELL F*CK STACY!!! lol!! Like not what I wanted to hear at all. She said we need to get an ultrasound and then go from there. Ugh… I was really hoping she would be able to give me an idea of what it could be. While my Mom and I were checking out tears fell… this is HARD

ULTRASOUND- February 21st: I went in for my ultrasound today… hopeful it was just a cyst and I would be on my way. Unfortunately, that wasn’t the case. The radiologist was unsure what the lump could be and recommending a biopsy. I asked the tech if the radiologist would be willing to come in and chat with me real quick. I heard her on the phone asking for him to come see me and when she returned she said “he really doesn’t know and if he could provide any further information he would come in”. OK first of all this is such BULLSHIT… being a nurse in the medical field if a patient was asking to speak with me I would be there regardless if I could provide any further information or not…. it’s called providing comfort to your patient during an uneasy time…. so shame on him!!! OK vent sesh complete… moving on haha! I bit my lip hard… “Don’t cry Kelly, DON’T cry”!! The tech scheduled the biopsy while I was still in the room… she said March 13th is the earliest we can fit you in… ummmm OK you are NUTS if you think I am going to wait 3 weeks AND go in on the 13th… like nope not happening but sure pencil me in lol! I grabbed my Mom in the waiting room and couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

I love our hometown: I crossed my fingers and messaged a friend from high school who works in the rad dept to see if she could pull any strings and get me in earlier. She got back to me right away and said “I will get you in next week no problem”. I was SO relieved!! She scheduled my biopsy for next Friday! So grateful for our amazing hometown and the beautiful people in it! I was also so happy to hear that Dr. Noce (the radiologist who has performed all my previous biopsies will be doing this one)! YAY!

BIOPSY- February 27th: Walking in was beyond nerve racking… I was literally shaking in my boots!! Dr. Noce walked in and I was like “We really need to stop meeting like this” lol! He was so thorough and took me step by step through the process. He first looked at the lump with ultrasound and was like “hmmm this is very close to your implant making the biopsy a little tricky”. He had to reposition and go in from the left side where there was more tissue. With no surprise he did it was ease and was able to get 2 samples AND not pop my implant… phew lol! He totally seemed stumped though… he said it could be leakage from the silicone implant. Honestly, I think he is reaching and just trying to make me feel better. I have 50/50 feels on this one. Coin toss flip here we go…

Monday, March 3rd: I stayed home Monday thinking I would be getting biopsy results and they never fricken called. It was brutal… my resting heart rate that day must have been 205!!

Now

Tuesday, March 4th (The phone call): I was scheduled to work. At first I was like eeeek I am not sure this is a good idea… but after spending the day at home on Monday and almost losing my mind I decided to go. Of course, my anxiety was high but being at work was a good distraction! At 12:36 on the DOT I was standing at my med cart when I looked down and noticed THE NUMBER. I quickly picked up my phone and said “OMG Dr. Noce… I am in the middle of a med pass… I am going to find a closet… ahhh I am freaking out”. He said “OK let me know when you are ready”. I dove into our small kitchenette that no one was in. Out of breath and feeling like I was going to pass out I said “OK I am ready”. He replied in a sad voice “It’s cancer Kelly, I am so sorry “. I responded “F*CK…. F****CK”!!!! Looking back I’m like whooops hahahah I didn’t mean to swear but it just came out! When I received “the call” back in 2018 I legit blacked out and don’t remember anything he said… so this time I was like BREATHE KELLY… concentrate and listen to what he has to say. He explained it is the same type of breast cancer… invasive ductal carcinoma, small in size, approximately 1cm and he said Kelly the good news is it doesn’t seem to have lymphovascular involvement.. meaning it doesn’t look like it has spread to the lymph nodes. We chatted for a little longer and what needs to happen next. I hung up the phone… went into the office and literally BROKE DOWN…. my head nurse was sitting at her desk and I remember just falling into her lap. I think I was on the ground at one point… hahahah I honestly don’t remember! I got the strength to get up though… I remained in the office and called my husband first… I said “its cancer Jame”. I hated that phone call.. I hated knowing I was about to break everyones hearts today…. I called my Mom next and then quickly and painfully counted my med cart with another nurse (legally I had to and I get that)… I gave more hugs and then FLEW to the rehab unit… I tried to keep my head down and just get there as fast as I could… I got to the unit and told my nurse friends my cancer returned… they all held me tight and gave me the biggest group hug. Something I will always remember. I then ran out of there sobbing… breathing was difficult (I think they call that a panic attack)? I called my sister quickly in the parking lot. I got in my care and noticed Stacy was calling. “How are you doing Kelly”… trying to gasp for air I said “not good”. She said she was in Florida for a conference but was going to call Kari/my surgeon immediately and get things rolling. I made it home (somehow)! Ran inside and held my husband tight… it was awful and gut wrenching. My parents were next… then my in-laws. We just sat in my living room in disbelief. My rockstar sister took my kids back to her house after school. I needed some time to let this sink in and gain composure.

Telling my children: My Sister dropped the kids off around 4:30pm that day…. 4 hours after receiving the news. I don’t think any amount of time would have prepared me for this conversation. These 2 human beings are my WORLD. Leaving them has always been my absolute worst fear. My husband and I sat them down… I wanted it to be light and positive… so holding back tears was a MUST…. one of the hardest things I have EVER done. I told them that Mommys breast cancer has returned but I am SO strong… and I beat it once and will beat it again!

Suprise! Shortly after telling the kids there was a knock at the door. I went to see who it was and it was my Best Friend from Maine. She travelled all the way down to be with me!! She slept over, braided my daughters hair in the morning, made lunch box notes for the kids, brought me to lunch, did errands and kept it SO light and normal. Now thats a best f*cking friend! I love her so much

Whats next: One of my providers suggested going down to Boston for a second opinion… unfortunately my insurance is out of network! I have asked my oncologist like 3 times who she wants me to see for a surgeon and she has said over and over “I think there is no one better than Kari Rosenkranz”. So I am sticking to Dartmouth Hitchcock Clinic in Lebanon and seeing Kari! LFG!

Upcoming appts: 3/11- MRI, 3/12- CT and Bone Scan, 3/17- Surgeon

Faith

Minus a few tears when seeing family and friends… I have had a peace and calm over me the past few days. Praying to God A LOT… like I am pretty sure he is sick of hearing from me lol! I have an overwhelming amount of faith that everything is going to be OK. I mean honestly… ask me in a few days and I might feel the exact opposite haha! But thankful for this moment of calmness I feel. I have an ARMY…. like a legit ARMY behind me. I will not fight alone and I am so very thankful for that. A HUGE thank you to all the comfort gifts, flowers, food/meals, messages, phone calls, drop-ins, drop-offs, hugs, support etc! This SUCKKKKKS but I have SO much to fight for!!!! Love you all!

KPOW 👊

After each post I will leave a little reply section for anyone who wants to leave a comment/message or has a question!! I have not been able to respond to most social media comments or DMs but please know I do read them and they give me so much strength and hope!!! For updates… I plan on blogging often… if not daily! I will also continue sharing my journey on Instagram which has been such an amazing platform with the most amazing breast cancer community!!! Instagram Username: @kmorin1021